Wife calls:  "Where the HELL are you...!!?"

Husband: Darling, remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't  have money that time and said "Baby it will be yours one day?

Wife (with a smile, blushing): Yeah! I remember that my Love!

Husband: I'm in the pub just next to that shop.  

Three contractors, one from Tanzania, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The England contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run $90,000, $40,000 for materials, $40,000 for labour and $10,000 profit for me."

The Germany contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $70,000, $30,000 for materials, $30,000 for my crew and $10,000 profit for me."

The Tanzanian "a.k.a Mbongo Asilia" contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$270,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the Tanzanian contractor explains, "$100,000 for you, $100,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work."

Husband: "Hi, what r u doing Darling?"

Wife: "I'm dying...!"

Husband (happily jumps, joyful, but pretends to care and types): "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair!"

Husband (sadly replies): "I hate English!!!"

If animals had Facebook accounts, these would most likely be their status updates/conversations:

Cockroach: "Managed to skip from some one's foot step..man,i lead a dangerous life style!"

Cat: "My 7th child is asking who is her dad...what shall I tell her? I don't even remember"

Mosquito: I am HIV positive this is all due to wrong sucking!

Chicken: If tomorrow I am not updating my status, means I am being served at KFC... love you all.

Octopus: I have just refilled my ink... hurray!

Pig: oh gosh! they throw the gossips that i am spreading flu? WTF!

Goat: Friends don't go out, EID holiday is coming.
Pig writes a comment on Goat's status, "Luckily I am HARAM"
Goat replies: "Don't you remember that after Eid is the Chinese new year..?"
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(shared by a friend via email)

Mama mmoja mbeya alikuwa akimuona Mchungaji anaingia kwenye nyumba ya jirani yake kila siku, akashindwa kujizuia akamfwata mwenzie;

Mama Udaku: Jirani mambo?

Jirani: Poa

Mama Udaku: Jirani kila siku namuona mchungaji anaingia kwako vipi anakuja kukuombea?

Jirani: Shoga tafadhali achana na mimi. Kwako kila siku kuna Mwanajeshi anaingia, kuna vita kwako? Nijibu, Kwako kuna vita? 

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via facebook.com/john.kitime