A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that, When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start, swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and, swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes, back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished, and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

credit & thanks to my friend Mg for sharing this.
NOTE: As it always goes with an advice, you can take it or leave it, sawa? don't feel offended! Kama hutaki ushauri huo ni wa kijinga, uache hapo, shika njia yako, wende zako tu. La, wadhani ushauri wafaa kujaribu, uchukue, enda kautumie!

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for a Tanzania Revenue Authority (TRA) agent and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The Pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the TRA agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he
particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, 'Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?'

The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, 'Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.'

*This joke has many variations available online depending on how it suits people, feel free to twist it a bit to add flavor.

Is this the Swahilization of computer terminologies? see the forwarded message I just received from a friend.

---------- Forwarded message begins ----------

Plans are already at an advanced stage for the Swahili language to be incorporated in MS Applications. Let’s take a sneak peek at developments so far:

1. Mtambo wako unakimbia nje ya kumbukumbu dhanifu - (Your system is running low on Virtual Memory)
2. Mtambo wako umefanya mpango kabambe usiokuwa halali na sasa utafungwa - (The application has performed an illegal operation and the application will be shut)
3. Madirisha Elfu Mbili na tatu Tandabui isiyo ya bui  Mtumishi (Windows 2003 Web Server)
4. Madirisha Elfu Mbili Mtumishi (Windows 2000 Server)
5. Madirisha Elfu Mbili Mtaalamu (Windows 2000 Professional)
6. Jedwali Changamfu (Active Directory)
7. MS Mtazamo (MS Outlook)
8. Mtazamo Ulioharakishwa (Outlook Express)
9. Punguza namba ya Tumizi zilizowazi (Reduce the number of open applications)
10. Makosa ya kichapio ( Keyboard error)

---------- Forwarded message ends ----------

If this is it, then please let's continue using English until we come up with more meaningful and easy to understand phrases.

Dear  Boss,
I wish to let you know that the FIFA World Cup is about to  begin. This is not just any other tournament, it's the World Cup! Please note that this tournament takes place every four years and a month to finish, i.e from 11thJune to 11th July for this year. During this period take note of the following:

1. I will be knocking off earlier than usual in order to watch the kick off of the first game.
2. Do not be surprised if I report a little bit late every morning, it will depend on the time the last game finishes.
3. Production will go up during this month as almost all employees will be happy and highly motivated (Check Maslow's Motivation Theories with Human Resource).
4. I know you are into other boring sports like golf, cricket, bowling, etc. Please if you want to fit in the work environment for the next one month, try to know something about soccer, even asking a foolish question like" Is Namibia playing tonight?" that is if you really want to fit in, or else no one will be a loner for one full month.
5. Greeting each other will change from "Good morning" to "How was the game last night?"
6. I will not accept to work overtime during this period as no amount of money can buy me to miss a game. Therefore make sure you don't give me any work after 15:30hours.
7. I will need to be up-to-date with the latest; therefore the first 1hour every morning is for accessing sports websites and other updates on the internet and also chatting with friends on phone.
8. Lastly, please do not think you can fire me should you decide to break any of the above rules as you will have to fire everyone.

Thank you for your understanding.

(Thx Mose for sharing)

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangements.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week,  I don't have classes 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together.

Grandpa (the Boss) make call to his secretary: This week  I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We can not spend this week together; my wife has canceled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't  give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this  week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

HAVE A GOOD SUNDAY FOLKS!

Ninasema dhahiri kuwa simfahamu aliyetunga maneno ya kuendana na picha hizi, ila napenda kutoa shukrani zangu kwake na kwa yeyote aliyeisambaza hadi kunifikia. Imenifurahisha sana na kuniacha na tabasamu.

Dk. Shein: Duuu hhh sijui kule mkuu wangu (JK) ameshapata, maana anataka kutia aibu... 

JK: Wee Jakobu, “kiduku” kinachezwa hivi, unaweka mikono mbele halafu unabetua miguu kwa nyuma.
JZ: Wewe Jokery (Jakaya), unapanua miguu kidogo, hiyo si mliiga kwetu bondeni, halafu kiuno kwa mbaaali.
JK: Duuuhh akili ya kuambiwa changanya na ya kwako...

Poleni sana mashabiki na wapenzi wa ManU aka Manure aka ManRef. Mngefaulu tusingepumua!

Click on the images to enlarge.
I hope this puts a smile in your face. Sorry if this brings back bad memories... there are still many things out there to brighten your day, keep walking...

Thanks Lumza for sharing these shots.