I received chain letter from my friend, I really am not sure who the author is so that I can give full credit, but I thought I should share it with esteemed wavuti.com readers.

If you are a soccer fan, and you would like to avoid confrontations during the WC 2010 South Africa, it is suggested that you print, laminate and display this in a prominent location in your house the following letter:
 
Dear Sweetheart 

1. Between 11 June and 11 July 2010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention. 
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye). 
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor... It won't happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 konyagi (cognac) or safari beer in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.  
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: (A)    I will not go  (B)    I will not go; and  (C)    I will not go. 
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".  
12.  And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Super Spanish League, KPL, Grand Prix, Tri Nations, hell, even WrestleMania, etc.  

By the way, if you get stuck on the road, call SOS.
Thank you for your cooperation.

Thx Monsignor from China for sharing this.

Humu duniani watu tunatofautiana kiwango cha ujasiri. Lakini wapo watu wengine japo wawe jasiri kiasi gani, ikiwa wana ugonjwa wa kuogopa, baadhi ya vitu (phobia) ujasiri wake ni kazi bure katika nyakati fulani.

Ninakumbuka nilpokiuwa Sekondari dada mmoja alikuwa mwoga sana wa wadudu kama vile sisimizi, nyenyele, maji ya moto nk. Mwanzoni nilidhani  ni utani kwa kuwa umbo lake lilikuwa kubwa kuliko wanafunzi wengi, na hivyo tulitarajia mtu mkubwa asiweze kuogopa kidudu kidogo hata siku moja.

Tena, nilipokuwa chuoni, nilisoma na dada mwingine ambaye ni rafiki yangu pia, naye alikuwa mwoga wa wadudu hasa aliyekuwa akimtikisa maini alikuwa mdudu mende. Halafu hivi vidudu bwana hata sijui vinakuwa vimetumwa na nani kwani hisia zao huwa ni kali na mara moja huwapeleka kwa yule mtu mwoga. Hii nadhani ni kutokana na msisimko (stimulation) zinazosababisha kemikali fulani kuzalishwa mwilini na mtu huyu baada ya kumwona mdudu au kiumbe anayemwogopa.

Siku moja hivi tupo koridoni, nje ya milango ya vyumba vyetu ambavyo vilikuwa vinatenganishwa na uwazi wa kuelekea bafuni, alikuwa akijipita mende katika harakati zake za pengine kutafuta chakula. Ghafla, rafiki yangu ambaye kwa wakati huo alikuwa amesimama kati ya mlango wa chumba chao na kile cha kwetu huku akiukabili mlango wa bafuni, ghafla alipiga ukelele wa nguvu mara moja. Ndipo tulipostuka na kumwuliza, 'nini?' huku akinyoosha mkono akawa anasema, 'yule, yule', siye kumtizama ni mende, mimi mawazo yangu nilidhani kamwona nyoka ama ng'e ama pengine sijui kidudu gani cha kutisha. Loh, kumbe alikuwa akimwogopa mende. Alitetemeka, akamkamata mmoja wetu bila ya kumwachia akisema, 'mwue, mwue' nasi kwa kuwa tuliona kichekesho, hatukumwua, ndipo yule mende ghafla aligeuza akashika njia kuelekea upande alikokuwa amesimama yule dada muda wote akimshikilia mwenzie. Kuona vile, yule rafiki yetu huyu akaanza kujisogeza nyuma zaidi kadiri mende alivyomkaribia. Mende alipomkaribia kabisa yule dada aliyekuwa ameng'ang'aniwa, ndipo rafiki yetu alipiga hatua moja kuelekea nguzo iliyokuwa imeshikilia dari, la haula, mende anaye. Mende kama katumwa, akamfuata katika ile nguzo, ndipo rafiki yetu akapiga tena ukelele wa nguvu, 'nakufaaa...'


Utaniuliza, 'kwa nini hakukimbilia chumbani kwake?'.
Ni hivi, alishindwa kuwahi kuufungua mlango wake; vile vile, alitaka kuhakikisha kuwa mende anauawa ili apate amani kuwa hatamfuata chumbani kwake usiku. Ilibidi mmoja wetu amwue (sikumbuki alikuwa nani kati yetu) ili kuepusha watu kujaa na kutaka kujua kulikoni mtu 'anakufa' vile vile kutaka kuondoa ile aibu yakuwa dada fulani ni mwoga wa mende.

Muda wote huo tulikuwa tunashikilia mbavu kwa kicheko (adabu zetu ndogo wakati huo, tunacheka msiba).

Ilikuwa ni 'full' kuelewa somo la saikolojia ilipofika siku ya kufundishwa kipengele cha 'phobia' kwa maana kila mmoja aliikumbuka ile songombingo ya mende koridoni. Ndipo tulipong'amua kuwa alaa, kumbe ni ugonjwa. Na hapo ndipo nilipomkumbuka dada yuleee, wa Sekondari.

Ama kwa hakika, usilolifahamu ni kama usiku wa kiza.

Bofya hapa umtizame mtangazaji mmoja wa hali ya hewa akiteswa na mende studioni.

Inaaminika kuwa, unapokuwa katika mahusiano ya urafiki wa karibu au mapenzi kisha kuanza kuona majibu ya aina hii, basi ng'amua kuna kiti si sawa hapo. Ila, wapo ambao majibu yao yapo hivi tangu siku ya kwanza kabisa ya mahusiano. Wanaozungumziwa hapa ni wale wanaoanza kwa mahaba moto moto kisha inafuata:

Sms: “Sweet, nimekukumbuka sana leo, natamani tungekuwa sote mida hii. Upo wapi mpenzi?”
Jibu: “Nipo”

Sms: “Yaani nimekutafuta kweli mpenzi, mbona ulikuwa hupatikani? Mwenzio sijalala nakufikiria wewe my love. Umenimiss?”
Jibu: “Simu iliisha charge”

Sms: “Baby leo nakula chakula kitamu kweli. Sijui wewe unakula nini. Natamani tungekuwa wote. Karibu mpenzi”
Jibu: “Poa”

Sms: “Honey, yaani ile perfume uliniletea inanukia vizuri ajabu. Yaani hapa nipo nasikia harufu yake na kukuwaza wewe, tena nakumbuka leo umetoka fresh na ile tshirt nilikununulia. Ukisoma hii sms wewe unapata hisia gani?”
Jibu: “Tshirt inanibana”

Prof. of Computer Science: A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.

Prof. of Algebra: A kiss is two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry: A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.

Prof. of Physics: A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Zoology: A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology: A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry: A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy: A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics: A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.

Prof. of Philosophy: A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of Engineering: Uh, What? Im not familiar with that term.

Siku moja amenifurahisha sana Bakari Msulwa kwa kibwagizo kifuatacho:

Kisa kimoja kilichotokea kule Upareni.
Bwana mmoja alikuwa akiezeka nyumba yake, ghafla kenchi ikakatika na akajua fika kuwa sasa anaporomoka. Mke wake alikuwa karibu akiangalia tukio hilo asijue cha kufanya. Nukta chache kabla hajaanza kubingirika kwenda chini akampigia kelele mkewe: "Oooh! Mama Thaumu, uthipike leo, NTAKULA HOSPITALI…"

A guy stuck his head into a barber's shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back".

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife."

Just for fun, don't take it serious, lighten up a bit and laugh or put a smile on your face

Tamil Nadu, India , well Known Personality, Mr Jeppier, Chairman of Self financing Engineering Colleges Association , who is always speaking in English … Sathyabama College Students have Collected & published the Book on Jappier’s Spoken English… Enjoy...with his… English… sounds fictitious…although highly likely. Now, here are some classic English sentences from the great Mr. Jeppiar.

Mr. Jeppiar talks to his students:
# At the ground: ——– All of you stand in a straight circle. The girl with the mirror please comes her…(Means: girl with specs please come here).

# To a boy, angrily: —— I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk?

# While punishing students: ——– You, rotate the ground four times… You, go and understand the tree (to stand under the tree)… You three of you stand together separately. Why are you late – say YES or NO...(?)

# Sir at his best: —— Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them. So the next day at s school… (to that boy) – “Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre”

# Sir at his best inside the Class room: —— Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in. Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.

Cut an apple into two halves – I will take the bigger half.

Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal JUST PASSED AWAY in the corridor.

You, meet me behind the class. (Meaning AFTER the class...)

Both of you THREE get out of the class.

Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today…

Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver….. Take 5 cm wire of any length….

Last but not the least some Jeppi ar experiences … -—– Once Sir had come late to a college function, by the time he reached, the function had begun, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry I am late, because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats).

At St. Josephs fresh years day 2003: —— “No ragging this college. Anybody rag we arrest the police”

A Man lived alone in the countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and the Man went to the parish pastor and said:  ''Pastor, my dog is dead. Could there be a mass for the poor creature?''

The Pastor replied: 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new church down the road, and there's no telling' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the animal; you can go and find out'.

Then the Man answered innocently: 'I'll go right away Pastor. But do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the burial service?'

The Pastor exclaimed "YESUU NA MARIA..!! Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Christian... Chaaaa lanyeee...! We definitely have services for all Christians here!!'

This is just an over the counter joke, do not spit fire for it please, sawa? Lighten up and TGIF!

Sijui mzazi naye anakuwa keshapinda kwa hivyo mtoto ni wake we yakuhusu nini...

Nikiziangalia picha hisi sasa ninaelewa ni kwa nini wakale wetu walisema, 'asiyefunzwa na mamaye, hufunzwa na ulimwengu' ama kwa Serikali za nchi kadhaa kuamua kuchukua sheria kulinda mtoto hata ikiwa ni wako.