If you've strayed from your partner — or been the other lover — you know that dealing with the emotional aftermath of an affair isn't as easy as you may have thought.

Feeling Guilty and Afraid

  1. What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward.
  2. Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.
  3. What kind of partner/parent do you think you are? The people around you who get less than all of you are painfully aware of how much guilt you feel. You're cheating your partner, your kids, your friends, your church ... and most of all yourself. 
  4. If you knew then what you know now, would you do it again? Sometimes you have to make the right decision; sometimes you have to make the decision right.
  5. Forgive yourself for hurting people. There is no lightning bolt of forgiveness. It's a choice you make to use the lessons you've learned in a positive way.

Trusting a New Relationship

  • Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.
  • Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you" is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.
  • Stop being manipulative. Search your character and decide what you have to do to not be vengeful. 
  • Control your impulses. Realize that you don't have the right to hurt other people's lives because you aren't getting what you want when you want it. 
  • Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.
  • source: DrPhil.com
  •  
     
    Yafuatayo ni maelezo ya njia kumi za kukuepusha kuoa mtu asiye sahihi. 

    Maelezo haya yaliandikwa na Dkt. Nafisa Sekandari na Hosai Mojaddid. 

    Sehemu ya andiko hili lilitokana na maelezo ya Rabbi Dov Heller wa Massachussets na yalibandikwa kwenye kipengele cha Mental Health for Muslims.

    Yametafsiriwa katika lugha ya Kiswahili na Jovitha Mchalla na kusomwa kwa sauti na Mubelwa Bandio.

     
     
    Picture
    Kamanda wa Polisi wa Kanda Kuu ya Dar es Salaam, Kamanda Suleiman Kova akitoa heshima zake za mwisho kwenye mwili wa marehemu Steven Charles Kanumba (picha: Pius Micky/spotistarehe.wordpress.com)
    Mara kadhaa nimerejea na sidhani kama nitakoma kusema kuwa blogu, mitandao jamii, eforums na egroups zikitumiwa vyema, huwa vyanzo vizuri vya kupeana maarifa na taarifa maridhawa.

    Kichwa cha habari ambacho ni swali hapo juu, liliulizwa na ndugu Faida MGANGA kwenye kundi la Wanamabadiliko. 

    Majibu yaliyotoka yalinifaa na mimi niliyekuwa mjinga, hasa kwa kuwa sikupita jeshini na sikuwahi kudadisi maana ya saluti. Nilitatizwa swali hili lilipoulizwa kwenye kundi jingine. Nawashukuru ambao hawakudharau bali walijibu ifuatavyo:

    ------------------------
    From: Mobhare Matinyi 
    Mganga,
    Kwa taratibu za majeshi, maiti hupigiwa saluti. Ukiwa kwenye sare zako za kijeshi, na hata kama humjui marehemu wala waombolezaji, unapaswa kusimama na kupiga saluti pindi unapokutana na msafara wa mazishi, au ukiwa popote pale. Maiti hupigiwa saluti na askari bila kujali ni ya nani. Hii haina shaka.
    Matinyi.
    ------------------------ 

    From: Sisty Basil 
    Maiti inapigiwa saluti, tena kwa heshima ya juu. Mtu akifa anakuwa ni Most Senior. Kwa mfano, akifa Private au Raia wa kawaida na mazishi yake akaudhuria mkuu wa majeshi, lazima atampigia saluti. Mtu akifa, kama ni cheo, anakuwa Most Senior.
    Hivyo alichofanya askari yule kwa kanumba ni sawa kabisa.
    Basil
    ------------------------ 

    From: Aliweiwei Machibya 
    Jamani maiti hupigiwa saluti popote pale na askari  aliye kwenye sare za kikazi, Jamani hakupitia hata JKT.? 
    Joseph Mbilinyi
    Joseph Mbilinyi "Sugu" Mbunge wa Mbeya Mjini (CHADEMA) akitoa heshima (picha : Pius Micky/spotistarehe.wordpress.com)
     
     
    Kuna vitu sita anavyovichukia Bwana; Naam, viko saba vilivyo chukizo kwake:

    Macho ya kiburi.

    Ulimi wa uongo.

    Mikono imwagayo damu isiyo na hatia.

    Moyo uwazao mawazo mabaya.

    Miguu iliyo myepesi kukimbilia maovu.

    Shahidi wa uongo asemaye uongo.

    Naye apandaye mbegu za fitina kati ya ndugu.


    ~ Mithali 6:16-19 (ni nukuu kutoka katika kile kitabu kiitwacho Biblia Takatifu)
     
     
    Mwala ni msanii wa Kenya ambaye amevuma sana kwenye vipindi kama vile Vitimbi na Vioja Mahakamani na pia anasikika katika vipindi vya asubuhi vya siku za juma kwenye redio Citizen.

    Leo ujumbe wake wa Pasaka anasema, na kuuliza:

    Bwana Yesu alishamwaga damu yake msalabani kwa ajili ya wote, sasa wewe unakwenda kusherehekea huko mtaaani hadi unasababisha ajali na kumwaga damu yako au ya wengine, unaimwaga kwa ajili ya nani?

    Huo ndiyo ujumbe na salamu za Pasaka kutoka kwa Mwala.
     
     
    I received the following message from Chuk Njoku from Nigeria (thank you Chuk).
    ----

    You've just received a new submission to your Contact Form/Mawasiliano.

    Submitted Information:Jina/Name
    Chuk Njoku

    Anwani pepe/Email address
    chuk.njoku@gmail.com

    Comment
    Greetings, my name is Ihechukwu Njoku, a freelance Nigerian journalist.

    I just saw that T.B. Joshua's ministry have released a video on YouTube detailing his famed prophecy concerning the sudden passing of Malawi's President Bingu wa Mutharika. (inserted link to the video below)
     
    Having seen the level of public interest in Joshua's ministry in Malawi and indeed the whole of Africa, coupled with the extensive media coverage of the aforementioned prophecy, I believe this video should be highlighted and reported by the Malawian media.

    Sincerely


    Nimefurahishwa na mchango wa Nico Eatlawe akiwaandikia Wanamabadiliko kuhusu mjadala wa kifo cha aliyekuwa Rais wa Malawi, Bingu wa Mutharika na utabiri wa Nabii T.B. Joshua


    Nimejifunza katika maisha kuwa kuna mwakundi matatu ya watu kuhusu misimamo juu ya masuala mbali mbali ya maisha kama vile imani. Kuna wanaoamini sana na wasioamini kabisa lakini kuna walioko njiapanda. Katika wanaoamini kuna waliofanya ufatiti, walioona kwa macho au kufanya mambo au yote au mojawapo. Kwa hiyo hapa kuna taarifa sahihi inahitajika juu ya mada husika. Kundi la pili la akina Tomaso wanaeza kugawanywa tena. Kuna wapinzani kwa sababu ni wajinga yaani hawana taarifa sahihi na hivyo hufuata mkumbo tu. Hao ni wengi. Lakini kuna wapinzani wa chuki kwamba anajua kweli ila kwa sababu fulani anapinga tu ila dhamira inamsuta. Wakati mwingine ni kama Simba na Yanga kiasi timu ya nje inakuja kucheza na mojawapo lakini WTz wanasahbikia ya nje. Kundi la tatu ni la watu wa msimamo wa kati. Hawa huwa wanaweza kuchukuliwa na upande wenye nguvu ya ushawishi katika hayo mawili. Lakini kuna wasiopenda kabisa kujadili maswala fulani kwa vile wanaogopa kukosea na hivyo hawapendi. Wengi wanajua kidogo kweli lakini wengine ni heshima tu ya mambo fulani. Kunaweza kuwa na kundi lingine au mengine ila mimi nimejaribu tu kuweka haya ili kuweka pointi fulani.  

    Naomba niseme kitu kingine kuhusu unabii na utabiri. Nijuavyo unabii ni njia ya Mungu kutoa habari juu ya mambo yatakayotokea baadaye. Mfano nabii Danieli alioneshwa mambo yalitokea baada ya yeye kufa. Hosea naye alitoa unabii juu ya siku za mwisho na wengine wengi. Lakini pia kuna watabiri wanaotumia chanzo cha taarifa yao ambayo siyo Mungu ila miungu mingine. Fimbo ya Musa ilipobadilika kuwa nyoka na wachawi wa Misri pia waliweza kutenda huo muujiza. Kwa hiyo mtu wa Mungu anaweza kutabiri pia na mtu wa shetani maana shetani hupendi kupinga ili kupoteza watu. Hapo ndipo kuna nabii wa kweli na uwongo. Jinsi ya kujua wa kweli ni kuangalia kama unabii utatokea au la. Sasa hii haitoshi tu lakini lazima iwekwe kwenye muktadha. Hili limesemwa kwenye Biblia ikiwa na maana kwamba huyo mtu lazima kwanza au sehemu ya ufalme wa Mungu na tabia yake inajulikana. Kwa mtu aliye nje hata utabiri wake ukitokea hawezi kuitwa nabii wa kweli sabbu ya ufalme anaotumikia. Hapo ndio penye tofauti. Kwa hiyo siyo kutokea kwa jambo tu ila na historia ya imani ya mhusika. Lakini pia kuna kucheza kamari na kubahatisha kama kusema nani atashinda kwenye uchaguzi au mpira kwa kusoma mazingira.  

    Sasa baada ya picha hiyo ndogo tunaweza kuona kuwa unabii uko na tunaweza kupima kama ni wa Mungu au wa Shetani. Kwa kuwa mjadala wa TB Joshua basi nami niseme ninachojua kuhusu huyo mtu wa Mungu. Kwanza ni Mkristo anayetumia Biblia na kufuata mafundisho ya Biblia. Kwa hivyo historia yake ni kwamba anamtumikia Mungu na kwa wazi wala siyo kwa siri na kwmba yote anayosema na anayotenda yanaoneshwa kwenye TV live na kama wewe siyo mjinga wa Biblia unaweza kujua kwamba yeye ni mtumishi wa Mungu ukipima kazi yake kwa kutumia kipimo cha Biblia. Wale wanaojua hivyo wanajua hivyo na hawana shaka na kazi yake na huwaoni wakitoa kashfa labda wale wapinzani wa chuki tu. Ukweli ni kwamba huu siyo unabii wa kwanza bali nyingi sana katoa na zote zimetimia. Bahati nzuri wafuatiliaji wa habari wanajua lakini pia ziko kwenye mtandao wao na youtube. Kuna nabii nyingi alizotoa ikiwa ni pamoja na kufa kwa Michael Jackson, rais wa Korea, kuanguka ndege nk. Unaweza kuangalia kwenye website yao www.scoan.org (Lagos maana kuna matawi mengi) world prophecies. Ila kama mtu anataka kabisa kusikia unabii ili aone kabla ya kutokea basi awe anaangalia ili afuatilietangu mwanzo hadi hadi mwisho. Kwa hiyo nashauri wale maamuma wajifunze kufuatilia vipindi na kujifunza juu ya unabii kwenye Biblia ndio wakosoe kwa vigezo sahihi.  

    Mimi binafsi sijaona ENL akiambiwa atakuwa rais ijapokuwa nimesikia wengine wakisema. Inawezekana kuwa hiyo ilikuwa unabii wa ana kwa ana na siyo wa kutolewa kwenye hadhara kwa mingine ya watu wasiokwepo. Nakumbuka rais wa Ghana alivyotabiriwa na namba ya chaguzi. Ila kama ENL kaambiwa basi tutajua baada ya 2015 maana lazima atarudi kule kama rais wa Ghana kutoa shukrani. Hivyo kwa sasa ni yeye tu anajua na Mungu wake. Ila nimesikia akisema kuwa kama Mungu anataka awe rais atakuwa hivyo inawezekana anajua anachokiamini. Tuombe uzima tuwepo wakati huo maana njia ya Bingu na Kanumba waliyopita ni yetu wote. Heri atakayekwepo hadi 2015 akaona yatakayokuwa kama unabii utakuwa umetimia au la.
     
     
    Nimejifunza msemo mpya kutoka kwa 'Kanindo' aliyeacha ujumbe kwenye toleo la taarifa ya Godbless Lema kuenguliewa Ubunge wa Arusha Mjini.

    Kanido anasema, "...Sisimizi alilijambia jiwe kisha akasema, 'pamoja na kwamba hujajitingisha lakini ushuzi umeupata'...."

    Baadhi ya marariki niliowashirikisha usemi huu, waliniambia kuwa umetafsiriwa kutoka lugha ya Kihaya.

    Naendelea kujifunza maana na matumizi yake katika maisha...
     
     
    You've probably read this in one of those chain, fwd, forward, FWD emails. It still a good read today:

    A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as usual. 

    He began to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. 

    They talked about so many things and various subjects. 

    Suddenly, they touched on the subject of God. 

    The barber said: "Look man, I don't believe that God exists." 

    "Why do you say that?" asked the customer. 

    Well, it's so easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God exists, there would be neither suffering nor pain, I can't think of loving a God who permits all of these things."

    The customer thought for a moment, but he didn't respond because he did not want to start an argument. 

    The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. 

    Just after he left the barber shop, he saw a man in the street with long hairs and a beard, very long, and it was long time since he had his hair cut. He looked dirty and unkept. The customer entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist." 

    "How can you say they don't exist?" asked the surprised barber, and continued, "I am here and I am a barber. I have just worked on you!" 

    "No!" the customer exclaimed. Barbers do not exist, because if they did, there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who is outside there." 

    "Barbers do exist, what happens if those people do not come to me" replied the Barber.

    "Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God does exist. What happens is people do not go to him or look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world." 
     
     
    When a family is in crisis, it is easy to become trapped beneath a mountain of problems. In order to crawl out from underneath that pain, there are choices and sacrifices that must be made. Dr. Phil offers suggestions for what families must do to survive a crisis and move forward.

    Set blame aside.
    This is not the time for finger pointing. Your energy needs to be focused on solving problems, not assigning blame. Feelings like anger and resentment need to be put aside so that the family can work together on fixing the problems at hand.

    Prioritize your problems. 
    When dealing with more than one family problem, tackle the most pressing issue first, and then move on to others. Surmounting one problem at a time is key to moving successfully through a crisis. 

    Stand in others' shoes. 
    During a highly emotional and tense time, it's easy to get lost in your own emotions and forget about other people. You need to imagine how each person involved in the situation is feeling to understand the whole problem and figure out the best solution.

    Re-engineer the family unit.
    If the family unit you have established for yourselves isn't working, you have to change the way you all operate. Does a parent give more attention to one child? Does one sibling communicate more than another? A shift in the family dynamic could be an important step toward healing.

    Recognize that everyone's affected. 
    What happens to one family member happens to the entire family. When you focus only on the person in need, you are dealing with half the situation. Be sure that everyone has the chance to talk about how they feel.

    Don't get stuck in the past.
    What's done is done. Instead of wasting time wishing you had handled things differently, start changing your behavior today and concentrate on your family's future. 

    - Dr. Phil
     
     
    This long time shared message may not make much sense to you right now if you haven't been in a situation like this. The closest you can get to it's full meaning is by understanding it in the head, but when you pass through the ups and downs of a relationship, then you'll understand it by not only the head, but the heart as well.

    A beautiful heart

    One day a young man was standing in the middle of town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart, for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

    Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, “Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine.” The crowd and the young man looked at the old man’s heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn’t fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

    The people stared. How can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man’s heart and saw its state and laughed. “You must be joking,” he said. “Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears.”

    “Yes,” said the old man, “yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place In my heart, but because the pieces aren’t exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of love we shared. Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn’t returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges…giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?”