“Although you do want to marry someone you are basically compatible with, marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right person than it has to do with doing the right things with the person you married.” In other words, relationships are a constant work in progress. To keep the happy connection that made you say “I do” in the first place, try out these 10 tips to rehab your romance.
1. Nurture yourself.
Marriage is about giving, but don’t make the mistake of giving too much. “To have a good marriage, you need to be a good you,” says Bowman. “Learn how to prioritize and put boundaries around activities that keep you healthy and whole—activities like rest, relaxation, fitness and time with friends.” In other words, remember that scheduling “me” time into your day is not selfish, it’s a necessity. It will strengthen your relationship because you’ll have a saner version of “you” to bring to the “us” equation.
2. Define your problems.
Spend some time looking at your relationship and figure out which parts work and which parts don’t.
3. Make a financial plan together.
Money is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. Couples worry and argue about it constantly. “Couples need to make an active plan about how they will manage their money: Combine it? Separate it? Create a joint account and keep some separate? Whatever the decision, both people have to be part of the decision to do it and then figure out what needs to be done to keep the system humming.”
4. Use the three-sentence rule.
When you need to ask your partner for something that could be misconstrued as nagging, keep the request at three sentences—max. “When you keep your requests to three sentences or fewer, it’s almost impossible to blame, use sarcasm or use put-downs.” It’s also a lot more likely that you’ll get your point across without losing your spouse’s attention.
5. Take your fighting gloves off.
Don’t duke it out. Instead, consider taking a time-out. “There's a concept called 'loss aversion' in economics, which simply means we really hate to lose. And when we think we are losing, we fight like there is no tomorrow to try to win,” says Anderson. “It happens when couples talk about hot-button issues like sex, housework, money or the kids. If either person thinks he or she is losing, he or she will ratchet up the stakes and escalate the issue.” The next time you see a spousal spat going to a not-so-happy place, take a break and revisit the subject when neither one of you feels overwhelmed by the topic.
6. Just do it.
Yes, by “do it” it means, have sex. Intimacy is an important part of a vital relationship, and one of the first areas to suffer if feelings are floundering. But sexual encounters can also be one of the quickest ways to reconnect and rekindle with your partner. “Of the many forms of couple intimacy—a smile across a room, a kiss, a touch—sex has the potential to be the most powerful positive physical experience most of us enjoy,” says Joel D. Block, PhD. “This is especially true if sex results in emotional fulfillment, better communication, security and reassurance."
7. Burn your grudges.
It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Literally. Sometimes hanging on to those “Do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, burn them.
8. Don’t be overly confident.
Overconfidence can lead to complacency. According to Anderson, in a survey published in August 1993 in the journal Law and Human Behavior, couples who had recently applied for a marriage license were asked to estimate the average rate of divorce. Almost uniformly, they accurately predicted about 50 percent. Then they were asked to estimate the chances that they would get divorced. They answered zero percent. The problem with this statistic is that, if there is no perceived risk of failure, no “work” is put into maintaining the relationship—until it’s suddenly faltering. Don’t let yourself gloss over the little things. Don’t forget to make an effort to keep your romance alive. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you realize that you could have done more… when it’s already too late.
9. Remind yourself you have a choice to stay married.
Many people stay in troubled marriages because they believe they have no other choice. “They think that they are stuck, and they blame this sensation of being stuck on their spouse. But if you are stuck, it’s your fault and not your spouse’s,” says Bowman. That fact is, “you are not stuck; you have choices. Three of them: Do nothing and remain miserable; face your fears and try to save your marriage; ask for a divorce.”
10. Write your spouse’s eulogy.
Work on it a little at a time as a way to notice what your spouse does right. Think back over the years you’ve known this person. When did s/he make you laugh? When did s/he make you cry tears of joy? When did s/he surprise you?... Put it in the eulogy. “The funeral fantasy will help you remember to appreciate your spouse.”
1. Nurture yourself.
Marriage is about giving, but don’t make the mistake of giving too much. “To have a good marriage, you need to be a good you,” says Bowman. “Learn how to prioritize and put boundaries around activities that keep you healthy and whole—activities like rest, relaxation, fitness and time with friends.” In other words, remember that scheduling “me” time into your day is not selfish, it’s a necessity. It will strengthen your relationship because you’ll have a saner version of “you” to bring to the “us” equation.
2. Define your problems.
Spend some time looking at your relationship and figure out which parts work and which parts don’t.
3. Make a financial plan together.
Money is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. Couples worry and argue about it constantly. “Couples need to make an active plan about how they will manage their money: Combine it? Separate it? Create a joint account and keep some separate? Whatever the decision, both people have to be part of the decision to do it and then figure out what needs to be done to keep the system humming.”
4. Use the three-sentence rule.
When you need to ask your partner for something that could be misconstrued as nagging, keep the request at three sentences—max. “When you keep your requests to three sentences or fewer, it’s almost impossible to blame, use sarcasm or use put-downs.” It’s also a lot more likely that you’ll get your point across without losing your spouse’s attention.
5. Take your fighting gloves off.
Don’t duke it out. Instead, consider taking a time-out. “There's a concept called 'loss aversion' in economics, which simply means we really hate to lose. And when we think we are losing, we fight like there is no tomorrow to try to win,” says Anderson. “It happens when couples talk about hot-button issues like sex, housework, money or the kids. If either person thinks he or she is losing, he or she will ratchet up the stakes and escalate the issue.” The next time you see a spousal spat going to a not-so-happy place, take a break and revisit the subject when neither one of you feels overwhelmed by the topic.
6. Just do it.
Yes, by “do it” it means, have sex. Intimacy is an important part of a vital relationship, and one of the first areas to suffer if feelings are floundering. But sexual encounters can also be one of the quickest ways to reconnect and rekindle with your partner. “Of the many forms of couple intimacy—a smile across a room, a kiss, a touch—sex has the potential to be the most powerful positive physical experience most of us enjoy,” says Joel D. Block, PhD. “This is especially true if sex results in emotional fulfillment, better communication, security and reassurance."
7. Burn your grudges.
It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Literally. Sometimes hanging on to those “Do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, burn them.
8. Don’t be overly confident.
Overconfidence can lead to complacency. According to Anderson, in a survey published in August 1993 in the journal Law and Human Behavior, couples who had recently applied for a marriage license were asked to estimate the average rate of divorce. Almost uniformly, they accurately predicted about 50 percent. Then they were asked to estimate the chances that they would get divorced. They answered zero percent. The problem with this statistic is that, if there is no perceived risk of failure, no “work” is put into maintaining the relationship—until it’s suddenly faltering. Don’t let yourself gloss over the little things. Don’t forget to make an effort to keep your romance alive. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you realize that you could have done more… when it’s already too late.
9. Remind yourself you have a choice to stay married.
Many people stay in troubled marriages because they believe they have no other choice. “They think that they are stuck, and they blame this sensation of being stuck on their spouse. But if you are stuck, it’s your fault and not your spouse’s,” says Bowman. That fact is, “you are not stuck; you have choices. Three of them: Do nothing and remain miserable; face your fears and try to save your marriage; ask for a divorce.”
10. Write your spouse’s eulogy.
Work on it a little at a time as a way to notice what your spouse does right. Think back over the years you’ve known this person. When did s/he make you laugh? When did s/he make you cry tears of joy? When did s/he surprise you?... Put it in the eulogy. “The funeral fantasy will help you remember to appreciate your spouse.”
cross-posted from womansday.com (click to read the long version/original article)
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